May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely out of area. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Sure, sure, let us have One more area exactly where American Adult males can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you Anyone a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It is that he must prevent employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the task, replied, "You realize, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from Place, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after getting the setting up's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It really is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which company may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Without end."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    eighteen% reported "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting awareness from international investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree may also consist of:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort wherever my PTSD might have change-down service."


Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Ideas from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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